You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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