in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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