I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
