It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize