hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
