she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Two words: blizzard sex
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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