we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
