If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize