His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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