i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
