Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
