you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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