I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
