you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
