well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
