the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize