I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
