Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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