So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
