Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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