Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
