Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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