I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
