Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
