ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
