get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
