my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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