i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I checked into jail on foursquare
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
