My Higher Power is John Stamos
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
