You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
