I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
