Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
