sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
