like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
