i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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