My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
