soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
