i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
