No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
