Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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