Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
