dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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