There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
