Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
