right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
