Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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