I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
