umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
