You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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