dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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