Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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