you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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