Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
