I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
