some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
