We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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