Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
they need to just BURY HIM!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
