just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
