Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
