someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
