3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
