i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She even gives head with a lisp.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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