tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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