Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
