And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
