He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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