Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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