You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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