I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
