I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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